


the smell of pain

by ephelid



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Attempted Murder, Domestic Violence, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 16:22:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15319422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephelid/pseuds/ephelid
Summary: It's the summer holidays. In september, Severus will go to Hogwarts. Before her son goes, before she's left alone with her violent husband, Eileen has one thing to do.





	the smell of pain

Eileen spread the ointment on her arm. The bruise was fading under the oily layer. It would stick to her clothes. She hated that, but at least Severus wouldn’t notice anything. **  
**

It took at least two years for Eilen to understand that the sudden, awkward, almost brutal hugs that Severus was giving out of the blue, were a way for him to detect the sour scent of the healing balm on her skin. When he hugged her, he knew how bad it had been. How bad his father had been. He didn’t feel her pain. He smelled it.

So she invented another recipe. The new smell was almost flowery. She used the chamomilla Severus found in the vacant lot. He was already talented to recognize plants. Maybe he will be good in herbology, when he will attend Hogwarts. Eileen wondered is Professor Sprout was still teaching. She reminded her as a very nice woman. Severus deserved to be loved by nice people.

The front door bounced against the wall and Eileen cowered, eyes wide opened.

“Mom, I found a lizard! Look!”

The little boy stormed into the kitchen, and Eileen just had the time to roll down her sleeve. She straighten up, and screwed the lid on the ointment pot.

“Really, love? Show mommy.”

The beaming boy sticked under her nose a tiny lizard tail.

“Where is the rest of the lizard?”

He closed his hand on it and looked at her with a false air of defiance: “I said I found it, not that I caught it.”

Eileen laughed, pulled on the spice rack. It pivoted, revealing a secret compartment, filled with colorful pots and jars.

Severus was observing her every move. “Can we use a lizard tail in a potion?”

Eileen put the healing balm pot on a shelf. She had tagged it : for sunburns.

“Indeed, we can”, she answered.

“ Can you show me?

“We lack other ingredients, and your father comes back home in one hour. We won’t have the time.”

Severus pushed the lizard tail inside his pocket with a pout.

“I can’t wait summer to end.”

Eileen’s heart froze in her chest. She closed the compartment and pretended to check if the secret cupboard was totally invisible to a muggle eyes. “Really? Usually, you hate school.”

Severus rolled his eyes with an expression so dramatic that Eileen smiled despite herself. “I hate  _muggle_  school. If only I was with Lily, would be less boring. We don’t do any magic. We do  _math_. And sports. I hate that. Everyone laugh at me because I can’t shoot a ball. What for? At least, quittidich is useful, you learn to ride a broom.

“It’s ‘quidditch’, love.”

“Whatever.”

Eileen took a breath. She knew it was the moment. She drew a smile on her face. She snapped her fingers. “I have an idea!” she exclaimed, as if she just thought about it.

As if it wasn’t keeping her awake at night for months.

Severus snapped his fingers back. “What is it?”

“We gonna do magic. Real magic. A magic your father will never know.”

“For real?” His voice squeaked in excitement.

“For real, love.”

Severus bounced and grabbed her by the hands. He gave a little weird hug, bent over, rubbing his head against her chest. “Thank you thank you thank you’re the best mom in the entire world and the entire moon you smell good! You smell like herbal tea…” and he let go of her, just like that. “What now, I’m ready!”

“Now, you go outside, and find a stick. Around 8 inches, it will be ok.”

“I know where to find it!” and he stormed out of the kitchen like he came in.

Eilen watched him through the window, running to the river. When he was out of sight, she opened the hidden cupboard again, and took her wand.

She felt it with a sense of comfort and fear. She hadn’t touched it in years. Eleven years. Since Severus birth.

Tobias had been so happy to hear he had a son. Finally someone who would take him as a model. Who would  look up at him. Who would see him as the man of worth he really was. Who would show him respect.

His son will fix everything in his life. He would be his pride and accomplishment.

He showed frustration, at the maternity service, when everyone said he had his mother’s eyes. But Eileen didn’t see anything wrong with it.

She didn’t see anything wrong either when he decided his name would be Tobias. They’d call him Tobby, until he turned into a man. Eileen chose Severus as his middle name, like her grandfather.

“Severus? That’s unusual.”

“Well, my grandfather was an unusual man…”

Eileen waited they came back home to tell Tobias she was a witch, and Severus a wizard. She thought he would be happy. A boy with more power than other boys. Right what she thought he wished for him.

It has been the first time he hit her. She was so surprised she didn’t even scream, or cry. She just fell on the floor, her breathe taken away.

Severus cried in his cradle. He was four days old. Eileen tried to stand up. Tobias stepped over her, walking to the baby. Eileen grabbed his leg.

“No, please! Don’t hurt him!”

Tobias pushed her away : “Move aside, woman.”

“No, please! Not Tobby! Please don’t hurt him! Hurt me instead…”

This day, yes, this day she thought about leaving. She even prepared a luggage, for her and Tobby. But she was so tired. Exhausted. She hadn’t recovered from the delivery. Everything was so painful.

And Tobias didn’t mean to hurt her. Not really. She fell because she was weakened. After all, he didn’t hit her again, after she told him to. Neither he did anything to the baby. That was everything that mattered.

The situation wasn’t that bad. If he hit her again, then she’d leave. When she’d feel better.

She never felt better. She always, from this day, felt exhausted. Numb. Slowed down. Everything was draining a little more energy from her that she had. Just a little. Not enough to kill her. Enough to never feel alive.

At first, of course, she thought it was because of the baby. She’d been warned. The first months are exhausting. She was prepared for it. She wasn’t prepared for her husband.

Tobias, the frustrated man, thirsting for respect, for authority, crushed by life, by poverty, by his own past, by his own father, by missed opportunities, ready to be the terror and the admiration of a little child, ready to rise the weapon of his revenge,over the world, realizing his son owned by birth more power than his father would ever give him.

Overpowered by his own son.

He had nothing to pass him over. Tobias could fight, but his son would duel. Tobias could built a wall, but his son would materialize one. Tobias knew politics and history, but his son would belong to another world. It was even pointless to teach him how to drive.

Exiled from his fatherhood. Isolated. In the street, at work, he was Tobias. At home, he was only a muggle.

The child would always be his mother’s son. Never his.

Tobias always refused to have a second child.

It went worse when Tobby decided to go by his middle name. “I don’t like Tobby. It’s a dog’s name.” he had said, at eight, with all the confidence he could. Tobias had risen his hand. Eileen had caught it. Looked at him in the eyes. Tobias lowered his hand. He remembered.

Their agreement.

_Hit me instead._

She forgot when it became easier to get hit than to try to leave. She forgot when he became easier to scold Severus for tiny mistakes than trying to calm Tobias. She forgot what a real life looked like. She felt like she always lived like this. And always would live like this.

Until Severus eleventh birthday. He had been so happy to receive his letter. He rushed outside the house to show it to his friend Lily, then pinned it up the wall. The letter was addressed to “Severus T. Snape”.

It had been the night she almost died.

Tobias had drank more than usual. He stumbled around the house, groaning : “A letter! I’m a letter in my son’s life! Let’s cut the father! Let’s make him a letter! Let’s cut his goddamn dick!” He didn’t hit her. He tried to choke her. She only survived by kaking to pass out. He panicked and went to Severus’ bedroom. He dragged him out from under his bed, stuttering : “We ha...have to go, we have to… go” and when Eileen understood he was trying to run away with the child, she groaned, as if she was coming back to consciousness. Tobias had been so scared he drank the end of his whisby bottle in one go, and he, indeed, passed out.

Eileen spent half the night comforting a terrified and angry Severus. When he fell asleep, she went to the bedroom. She lied down beside the man who tried to kill her.

Her eyes open, staring at the ceiling, the loud snores of her husband in her ears, and the stench of his alcoholized sweat filling the room, she understood. For the first time in years, the reality, clear, cristaline, reached her.

“I am going to die.”

No one heard her confession to the darkness. No one was here to comfort her. She was going to die. As soon as Severus would go in Hogwarts, as soon as he would escape the last shred of his father’s authority, as soon as the last bit of muggleness will disappear, Tobias would kill her.

The ghost of an old thought muttered : you could leave. When Severus will be safe at Hogwarts, you’ll be free to leave. He’ll be sheltered and fed for almost a year. You’ll have the time. You can prepare a new life for you both. You can find a job in the wizarding world, where Tobias will never find you.

The thought disappeared in the loud snore. It was already no longer a thought, but a dream.

A vivid voice took its place : After all, Tobias isn’t so bad. He was so worried when he thought he had killed me. He doesn’t really mean any harm.

This voice was so familiar. It always whispered these comforting words after Tobias had one of his moment. This voice was the only one that comforted her. So it meant it was a friend, right?

“I am going to die” she said again, this time with the soft tone of relief. She was surprised herself. She didn’t want to die. She didn’t feel like she wanted to die. She just didn’t want to live like this, but she didn’t know how else she could live.

But after her death, what would happen to Severus? When he would be alone with his father? When she’d no longer be there to take the hits? What would become of him?

She knew what she had to do. She would have to wait until summer. Then, for the first time in years, in eleven years, she’d take her wand, in the hidden cupboard, and would teach her son.

“Mom! I found a stick! Is it the right stick?” Eileen startled. Severus was out of breath, his cheek reddened from the race and excitement.

He pulled a smile on her lips : “Perfect, love! Now, do like me…”

A twirl of the wand on the right, then straightening it up, and…

“What is it for, mommy?” whispered Severus. He was concentrated, his eyebrows frowned in an expression way too old for him.

“For enemies,” she said.

This one would push an adult man against the nearest wall. This one would paralyze him. This one would confuse him so much he would go to another target. This one would make him forget what he was doing.

“Don’t tell anyone at Hogwarts you know this one. It’s not forbidden, but you’d rather not say it.”

“Why not?” asked Severus. “Knowledge is not a crime. When you know better than anyone, you have to show it, right?”

Eileen’s heart sank. Tobias, ho Tobias. If only you haven’t been blinded by your hatred of magic, you’d have seen how much your son looks like you.

They trained everyday, during the two months of summer holidays. Severus was a talented and enthusiast student. Eileen said he’d be a great Slytherin, and Severus’ chest almost doubled in size out of pride. Eileen knew that as soon as their sessions ended, he was running to Lily. Eileen forbid him to do so, but he couldn’t help bragging.

Eileen wondered if she did right to show him some advanced curses. It could put him in trouble if it was known.

But on september 1st Severus was safe. He was going to Hogwarts, he had his own wand, and knew enough curses to defeat any adult muggle. If mommy was no longer here to protect him, he could protect himself.

Of course Tobias refused to go on the platform 9 ¾. Eileen said goodbye to her son, almost crushing him between her arms.

“Mommy loves you, mommy loves you so much…”

“Moooooom, people are staring…”

Thanks Merlin, he was impatient, he was happy, he had no idea he was maybe he would never see her again. She did her job right.

She watched him fading into the wall. Tobias put his hand on her shoulder. His grip was tight.

He guided her through the crowd. The frail Eileen could barely make her way between the busy people, but Tobias would push her if she got stuck. She almost fell twice.

She seeked comfort in the little voice that kept repeating everything would be alright. Severus was living the best day of his life. Maybe he was already making friends. Meeting boys of his future house.

_“Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I’d leave, wouldn’t you?”_

Severus never had so many friends, but he was so close of this little Lily. Maybe he would befriend other wizards easily. He could be so sweet when he wanted to.

_“If you’d rather be brawny than brainy…”_

She didn’t wonder which house he’d be sorted into. His little boy, more a wizard than a muggle, proud and serious, a real Slytherin, who even changed his name so no one would make fun of it...

_“See ya, Snivellus!”_

Everything would go right for him. She knew it. His little boy was so talented, so eager to learn and to fit in, he was about to be a great, loved, admired wizard…

_“Who’s this boy?”_

_“You don’t want to be around him.”_

Eileen went out of the station, blinked in the sudden light. A light breeze carried the scent of the flowershop nearby. It smelled like herbal tea.

She had left fear behind her. No other emotion replaced it. She was feeling empty. She was feeling light. She knew she did the right thing.

_“He already knows more curses than anyone else…”_


End file.
